Fleeting

I was putting the kids to bed tonight and something was tugging at my heart again. You know, that feeling that your kids are getting older every second of the day and will eventually want you to stop snuggling, stop being affectionate, stop doting... I am plagued with this melancholy much of my day, especially when I look at them - even the joy of being with them is always laced with that tiny drop of dread - the knowledge that they will leave you someday, move into their own lives.

It's what we want for our kids, our ultimate goal, to see them happy and successful and independent - but it's so hard to think of that when they are so sweet and squishy and vulnerable - needing you for every little thing. So when they stop needing you for something, it's like a little victory and a little defeat all at the same time. Letting go of them, one little need at a time. To gain a freedom, you have to lose some of that need in return.

I read this the other day, a blog post aimed toward the moms with "only" one child and this passage struck me as particularly bittersweet:

To become a mother, I had to learn how to care about someone more than I did about myself, and that was terrible.  But who I am now is something more terrible:  the protector who can’t always protect; the one with arms that are designed to hold, always having to let go.

Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard.  You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone. For what? Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.

When I had only one child, she was so heavy.  Now I can see that children are as light as air.  They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.

How hard is that to think about, huh? It's just one of those nights that it's hitting me hard and heavy in the heart, collecting in my throat, threatening to spill out into a full-on sob if I concentrate on it long enough.

It bothers Cole too... if you can believe it. A poor, little, vulnerable 4 year old (inching toward 5 with every passing day, boo!) who is as sensitive as his mama - a year ago, on their birthday, before I sung them goodnight, Alex said something about "tomorrow they would turn 5!" And I said "whoa, whoa, girlie! Don't wish your life away! You have a whole year before you turn 5 (and now it's almost here), so take your time and enjoy 4 before you get excited for 5! Before you know it, you're going to be 10, then 15, etc... and you're going to want to be as far away from me and daddy as possible! So, don't wish it away, I want you to want to cuddle with me forever!" :)

And Cole just lost it. 

I was startled, rushing over to him and asking what was wrong - and in between sobs, he said... (wait for it and get your awws ready)... "But (sob) Mommy (sob), I want to (sob) stay with you (sob, sob) forever! I don't ever want to leave!" "Ooooooohhhhh, my baby. You can stay here forever if you want to! You never, ever, ever have to leave! Ever!" I was crying, he was crying... and then Alex hesitantly said: "Ummm... but I can still go, right, Mama?" lol

Such different kids. :)

Braden and Cole have both been randomly telling me - during dinner or on the way to school or in the middle of reading them a story - they ask "Mommy, can we live here forever?" or "Can we stay forever?" or "I'm coming back after college and I'm gonna live here with you guys forever, is that ok?" It. breaks. my. flipping. heart. I almost always tackle them and snuggle them tight, rock them and say over and over again - if that is what you want, my sweet, you can stay with us forever. :) Knowing full well that things will change, but absorbing all the sweetness of today anyway. It's like they know our innocent time is almost up, that things are already shifting with the changes going to school has brought our little family. They take every opportunity to grab hold of me or pretend they are babies. They run across the room to hold my hand as I am walking around the house, just because they "want to"... they hug me randomly, saying "Mommy, I love you" with increasing frequency... they jump into my arms and say "goo goo, mama! Pretend I'm your baaaaa-by", they will say in a sweet sing-song. It makes me want to cry for so many good reasons, and sometimes I do let it out, telling them how happy they make me.

So tonight, before singing to them again, I got almost a repeat of the same conversation on the night of their 4th birthday... Cole actually said - "Mom, I wish I could just freeze myself at this age." Seriously? What 4 year old is that melancholy and wistful? lol Poor thing. And then Alex started talking about leaving and having babies and getting married (she's totally getting into the princess movies and damsel in distresses and the "catching the prince" stories, ahem)... and Cole literally went spastic under his blanket, wriggling his body and covering his ears - "Don't talk about that, Alex! Don't wish your time away!"

Oh, what did I do? :)

Oh, how I will miss this!

The Unwanted Dinosaur Dream

I remember it well. I stood with my face close the glass, breath fogging it - my hands rudely pressed against the pane in that kind of detached state that happens when you are so far lost in thought. I watched them do their work; painstakingly brushing off dirt and cataloging minuscule leg bones in a sealed and controlled environment, a windowless room save for the one looking out into the museum, the one I was peering in from. This? This is what a real paleontologist does?


We were visiting the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles, a few years before the kids were born, during a 4-day spontaneous trip to LA (that seems so over-the-top lavish now, lol!). I met my husband there after his work trip ended, savoring the warm Cali sun in a late November escape. We had always wanted to see the Tar Pits, and since the Griffith Observatory was closed for renovations (major bummer!), we decided it was the next best place for us geeks to hang out for part of the day. Oh, don't worry - we also got our fill of the Hollywood Hills, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica Pier, Venice Beach, Sunset Blvd, Grauman's Chinese Theater and the Walk of Fame, Pink's heavenly hot dogs and we even caught a taping of the episode of Joey (Matt LeBlanc is awesome to watch). So don't fear, we aren't full-on geek all the time! lol

But seriously, as a dinosaur addict, how can you beat ogling gigantic dinosaur bones, some being the best finds in the world? I turned the corner after endlessly circling their goosebump-inducing T-Rex collection and there they were, the resident paleontologists working on cataloging their new finds, placing them into the slim drawers that lined the walls of the small room. I stood there, transfixed - overcome by a flood of emotions that tripped over each other for dominance: giddy excitement, childlike wonder, curiosity, puzzlement, disappointment, relief - a feeling as if I'd dodged a bullet somehow... and then it cycled back to wonder of a different kind, the adult kind - the analyzing kind.

I realized that this is probably what most of the world's paleontologists were doing, not the exploring and huge discoveries that changed the world's thinking, the grand-scale dream that occupied my mind's eye when I remembered my 8-year-old self's passion for dinosaurs. They had to find the small with the big, do the practical science... and do it with such precision, patience and reliable repetition - not getting bored with the small potatoes, but actually getting excited that even if this incomplete set of bones was a duplicate of a common specimen they already had thousands of, this one may have a slight difference in the tailbone... and it was to be treated with all the glory of a first-time Spinosaurus find. :) I looked at them with new eyes, as if they were the CSIs of a prehistoric era... and that's really what they are. Preserving evidence; though they do it to prove life, instead of death.

But this realization made me feel like I had gotten lucky to be discouraged from Paleontology, even though on paper it seems like it should be a perfect fit for me, even though it would have been my dream. I was aware in that moment, just seeing the practical job in action, the everyday of it, that what I was feeling clinched it for me. Funny, that I was discouraged for the opposite reason - that everyone deemed it too grand and fluffy to be a real career choice, but the grind of it is what turned me off. I knew it that moment that I was not equipped with a sufficient level of interest, passion or motivation for the needed patience to enjoy it. The grand explorations and discoveries sounded amazing, and now that I am older, the small ones sound pretty amazing too - the grunt work in a windowless room did not.

Now, I am very detail-oriented... and many times while watching CSI (I still miss Grissom!), I would think to myself that I might be really good as an investigator. I know I am a thorough, determined and methodical thinker - and I could spend the hours it takes to work through the evidence in a linear fashion... but... would I enjoy it? Would I have a passion for that work? And the answer would be a wholehearted.... no.

Same applies to paleontology - I know I could be really good at it, but in the end, I would not enjoy it. Love for dinosaurs, check. Love for discovery, check. Ability to work on the small details for hours without human interaction, check. Enough interest and passion to care about the final outcome, putting finds away safely in a drawer and to move on? Uhhh, no check. Well, 3 out of 4 ain't bad, right? But that 4th piece of the puzzle would be the stickler. If you don't have any interest or investment in the final product - the reason for what you are doing, failure and/or an eventually miserable life could be the only results. In contrast, with photography, from the beginning until now, I lie in bed, not able to sleep at night because I am so excited to get out my camera and try this or that, just to play with it. Play! I think that says something right there. :) And I love making people happy with my end result. It fulfills me.

Most people have hobbies that they love - but the moment you think of doing it as a job - when you have to do it - it probably falls away as a candidate. You can think about what you are good at - what your skills and talents are - I know I can sit for hours and work on a mosaic project without uttering a word, not even having music on - just lost in my own head - and I love it. I know I am good at getting lost in my head without feeling deprived, but do I want that in a constant job? What you would be good at is not necessarily something you would like in a career. I would be good as a CSI, but I would not be happy. I'd probably be good at being a Paleontologist too - maybe even better because I'd be more interested in what I was spending so much time on - but I still would not be happy. That's when I really started to look at why. Why wouldn't that make me happy, if I were good at it? Another piece of my puzzle fell in place when I realized that it's because I wouldn't be expressing myself in any way. I would be finding something, not putting something out there. The scientist vs the artist. Did that make any sense? :)

There are so many questions kids in high school should be asked to consider and then helped along with some observations from those closest to them. Sometimes you need others to tell you what they see so clearly when you can't. :) Writing down interests, hobbies, skills, talents, what you love to do on one side, what you are good at on the other. This is a great exercise. This list can then be cross-referenced to see if anything pops up as a passion. Keeping in mind that this is still on paper, just to help things not previously obvious to jump off the page, help you to see more clearly. But in the end, the feeling of doing it, or seeing it done will always trump paper. In that instant, you will just know - even if you are rudely leaving your hand prints on the glass. :)

One of the kids pop-up books we were looking at this morning - which reminded me of that day. :)

Blank Page

I've been staring at this blank page all day... first with annoyance at myself that I couldn't think of anything to write. Then, it turned into a sort of mild dread... that the day was going to get away from me quickly. Now, it's actually a panic - that time is almost out and I am in danger of skipping a day of this challenge.

After 3 weeks of posting, every single day... I think I have officially run out of things to say. :) And I'm actually surprised it took me this long. lol

I know I have said in the past that weekends are hard for me to write a post, and that is a lesson I have learned, but the more specific lesson is that I need to be more prepared - if I want to write something more substantial, I have to start way earlier. :) I have a few more thoughts on passion vs hobby that I'd like to touch on, and a few more sessions I want to share, but it will take me more than just a few minutes at the computer. So, today was going to be another filler post, destined to sink to the bottom of the pile. One I'd write, just to write. :) But then, staring at the title of "Blank Page", at the top of a blank page - it gave me an idea for a post, one about a metaphorical Blank Page.

After we lost our first dog, Ruger, at 9 years old to a slow-growing and undetectable-until-the-last-minute cancer (Hemangiosarcoma), I struggled for months, lost in grief, wanting him back but knowing it was never going to happen. The kids were 18 months old and were in the throes of an intense emotional expression phase. They needed all of me, they were going through an incredibly demanding period, and some days I would just break down at a moment's notice, start sobbing in the middle of the living room on my knees while they were playing around me and they would all look at me, like - what the heck is going on with you? But, I couldn't stop! I would see the spot on the carpet he would lay most of the day, and I would lose it. I would walk by his empty food bowl, and I would lose it. You get the idea. I was emotionally fragile, and the thoughts that helped me most were the ones that promoted the idea that his life had an impact on me and others. I think this is Grief 101 - the comforting thought of keeping his spirit alive somehow was what kept me going for the few weeks afterwards.

I first thought about writing a book to get the message out about Hemangiosarcoma - since its symptoms mimic so many normal aging problems, it is almost always caught late, and almost always a death sentence. We had 4 days. Those few people that catch it early enough to do aggressive and expensive treatment catch it by complete accident. So, I thought if I could help with awareness and in turn help to save other dogs, Ruger's life will have had such a huge outreach!

I have also mentioned that I considered many careers with animals in the past on the search for a lifelong match. These ideas intensified after losing Ruger. I thought about helping out at animal shelters, starting my own wildlife sanctuary, taking over an existing wildlife sanctuary in the area, dogwalker, dog kennel, vet tech, zookeeper... anything that would get me working with animals, anything that would make a positive impact. After I while, I had to concede that none of those options are high-paying - high-reward, but not high paying. :) I gave up after a while, knowing that I would never be able to give up my day job to work with animals because we just would not be able to afford that luxury.

Soon after abandoning those ideas, the idea of researching and writing a book seemed daunting as well, if not wholly impossible with my current demands as a mommy. I wanted to get the word out, shout it out about this horrible disease that was being caused in part, by the regular, dry dog food most dogs eat - but I felt so minuscule, such a tiny voice that still knew so little about the cancer and the cause, that I pushed it aside for the time being. I searched for another idea to latch onto to fill that void, something that would help other dogs and their owners in Ruger's name.

I also have to mention that after my kids were born, I started taking pictures of them non-stop. I had my little point and shoot and I think they heard the little click-tweak sound of the shutter more than they heard my own voice. :) I learned to love it even more than I did before kids, and that is a story many mom-tographers turned professional photogs can replicate. Passion was stirred in giving me an exciting and truly meaningful subject to photograph.

I have touched before on the fact that I struggled and searched for a career to call my own, an actual "what I want to be when I grow up" dream career, not just I "I fell into this job and now I'm stuck" career. The metaphorical Blank Page I speak of now is in the Book of My Life. Every page something about me that will be my eventual legacy. Everyone has one, and I had just finally written on the Mommy page about a year and a half before, the Wife page 8 years before that, the many things about me transcribed on multiple pages to leave behind - the story of my life. But I had yet to fill in the "Career" page, or the more wordy "What I Was Meant To Do On This Earth" page. I had many "jobs" pages, but no career one written yet, and I hoped that empty page would have something written in it by the time that I died.

Looking back, I must have put all of these observations together subconsciously because one fall morning, I opened my eyes after a restful night of sleep (it seems a lot of my life epiphanies occur in bed... hmm... lol) - I remember seeing the dresser next to my bed with such clarity - and I just knew it. I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. As if someone, overnight, had written two words onto that Blank Page for me - Dog Photographer. It was instantly accepted, something that would allow me to spend time with dogs just like Ruger, and dog parents that loved their pets as much as we did. "Working" with people and dogs in this way sounded insanely perfect. :) The bonus is that it was an option that would let me work with dogs in a healthy time of their lives, not a point of crisis. And that sounded amazingly easy, a no-brainer. I could give a gift to people that cherished their dogs, and I would be spending time with my favorite animals on the planet. Sometimes, I really think He knows what He's doing. :)

I know they say hindsight is 20/20, but I almost did a facepalm when I had the realization - a "duh!" moment if there ever was one. Why did it take so long to put 2 and 2 together?!

And that's how my Blank Page was filled, how the idea for my new path was born. He filled in my page overnight, and I was set right that very morning.

One of the first doggies I ever photographed - sweet Casey. :)

Christmas is Still Here!

Today is a Saturday, so I just know I will have a hard time posting today! It's usually our day to go to a family obligation or to tackle some huge project at our house, but in either situation, I leave very little time for myself to write a post. :)

If you've been reading my past posts, you know that Christmas stays a long time in our house. We like to savor the nostalgia, the magic and the ambiance of lights stuffed in every nook and cranny of our old house. It just keeps us warmer and fuzzier through the worst of the cold and long and dreary winter! As we near the end of January, we start to feel like we are an anomaly and start being embarrassed of it by the end of the month. So.. we finally turn off our outside lights and just enjoy our inside lights until the tree dies.

That's really our moment - what we wait for... the tree kicking the bucket. And we have had some hardy trees in the past! Our record is April 13 - back in 2007... 1 week before the triplets were born, we finally said goodbye to Christmas and welcomed in the rest of the year, which was eat, breathe and sleep triplet. :)

This year, we got a smaller than normal tree for a few reasons, and it's so small we almost forget it is there. It's tucked in the corner of our living room, twinkling merrily... and sprouting new growth. Umm... yeah. We've had a few trees that have done this, and the first year it happened, it blew. our. minds. How the heck can a "dead" tree do this? It must really like it here! So, this year marks the 3rd time we have had this happen, and it makes me happy. It snowed this morning, so pretty outside, a full and fluffy snow that we longed for at Christmastime. This kids were coloring around the table, and I realized that they were all humming Christmas songs... we're still grazing from our hung stockings... and I might just persuade the mister to finally have a fire in the fireplace tonight!

Christmas is still here... and we're loving it. :)

They almost look like they are running for cover from the aliens swooping overhead... :) lol 

Grandma Jane's... I adore this deer. 

the new stuff, bustin' out... 

My Granny's ornament, another adore. :) 

all of the bright green you see is new growth! We should name him... 

this snow would have been nice a month ago, right? 

Ordinary is Extraordinary

I'm snuggling with a sick little one who stayed home from school today (Cole), so I am trading work for a special round of cuddles (he's helping me write this post!)...and that's a trade I can learn to love!

So... today I want to talk about hobbies. I think we all have them, right? Before I started thinking of photography as a business, it was actually my hobby. I loved to take pictures of anything and everything - and then scrapbook them. It drove my husband nuts. Scrapbooking was my pre-kids guilty pleasure - but now, who has the time?! But even though photography has become my career choice, I realized recently that it's actually still my hobby too - so today I wanted to share how that goes. :)

A year ago, I was looking for a few ways to help the sole money maker in our household, especially since Christmas was coming. I wasn't really into any paying jobs for sessions yet - doing a few shoots for practice here and there, but basically still a full-time mommy. We knew the season was going to be tight, so I got the idea to try selling a few of my nature photos on Etsy to help take the stress out if I could.

I excitedly opened up an Etsy shop, put up a few of my animal/nature pictures that I had taken in the past and waited to see if there was a response. A few of you reading have actually bought a print, and I want to thank you for supporting Santa here. :) But after a while, I started realizing the scope of what having an Etsy shop is like, and that is basically... a tiny little anchovy in a great big sea. :) I never realized just how VAST it is! Unless you are willing to put in the time advertising, networking and getting your shop out there in the forefront of everything - and keeping it there! - it's kinda like your little place is located in a back alley of a town no one ever visits. I was sad about this for a while... it really excited me to think that I might be able to help contribute to the grocery bill with something I do as a hobby - but I finally let my bubble burst after almost 9 months of no sales. I felt like I was fishing in a fish-less sea, lol!

After a disappointing few months, I went out every once in a while, when the kids were napping - or even better, with them - taking walks around the yard, looking for new photos to add to the shop. I was always on the search for what would make a good piece of art! We have a garden here, lots of woods, a small creek and an old, rustic barn - lots of subjects to photograph. It happened that I learned to really look forward to our walks, because I came to realize that I was looking for the extraordinary in the ordinary - how beautiful the things are that we look at every single day - when you looked at them in the right context. We're surrounded with natural beauty, wherever we are. In the city (may be less natural and more man-made, but no less beautiful!), in the country, in the suburbs, on the drive.

My cousin posted a photo to facebook about how gorgeous the dew looked in the morning sun this morning... and that's just what I mean! How the ordinary dew can look extraordinary when we realize... it always has been. It just took that moment to look at it in a new way for us to see that. Once you open your eyes to this, you will always see this way.

Doing this for almost a year, going out and getting new pictures - the act of looking around our yard with new eyes - became such a beloved activity with the kids because I was also looking at things through their eyes; watching what caught their attention and trying to see what they were fascinated by. It became our hobby. I was certainly bummed in the beginning that the Etsy thing didn't take off, but I gained such a new view on life in the process that it was hardly a fail for me. I was getting more practice with my camera, spending quality time with my kids and really enjoying the centering and relaxing Zen activity of finding the simple beauty all around me. It might have been the shadows I had never seen fall before. Or the mist created by the recent rain. I noticed that one scene or flower can never look the same twice - there's always a new context, a new set of backgrounds your subject is in (the color of the light, different shadows, weather, new flowers nearby to complement).  :) Plus, I would always be more willing to experiment with textures and actions on these pictures, so it gave me freedom to explore and have fun in post processing as well. So many great advantages and learning experiences.

I still have my pictures up on Etsy (see the tab above if you are curious about how I see my yard and house) - and will probably keep them up until they expire. I may renew or I may not - but since it's a great motivator to keep looking for new material, I love that it prompts me to have an outlet for a walk here and there, looking for sweetness and drama in the everyday with those who cause the most sweetness and drama in my life everyday. :)

As my favorite author has so wisely put: "If we allow ourselves to be enchanted by the ordinary, we begin to see that all things are extraordinary." - Dean Koontz

Some of my favorite listings over the years: **I apologize for the wonky alignment of these pictures - Blogger is acting up today and if I fiddle with them any more to try and get it right, I just might put my coffee cup through my monitor. :)

Just Get The Pictures

When my kids were babies, I knew that I wanted professional pictures of them in super cute poses, but it was just not in the budget. I left my job to stay home with them full-time, so sometimes food wasn't in the budget. lol :) I trolled the Internet during that magic time when they were asleep, in between feeding them - this was after we had a system down of feeding the babies all at once by ourselves, and we were treated to about 45 minutes of free time in between bottles, ha!). :) This was when I became familiar with modern photography studios and that there was something else out there other than JC Penneys.

I fell in love with the natural light (no extra light, just light coming from windows), modern, clean-lined look of all the newborn sessions I was seeing and I thought, what am I losing by trying to recreate what I am seeing with my camera? So, with my trusty little point-and-shoot camera - a little Canon Power Shot - I started doing little monthly photo shoots with them at 2 months old.

If you are at all interested in taking pictures - and who the heck isn't? - or else we all wouldn't have cameras and cell phones with cameras embedded in them - a Google Image search for the subject you want to capture is a great way to find inspiration. Now, just to say it - there is a fine line between emulating someone's work and recreating your own angle of their idea to springboard from - and downright copying things and claiming them as your own, but really - getting pose ideas from other photographers is a great way to start looking at things in ways you might not have seen for yourself.

Many people look to professionals for things they think they cannot do for themselves, but never end up getting anything done due to schedule or money constraints. Even if we had the money when the triplets were born, I am sure as heck that we didn't have the presence of mind to get pictures done. I know it happens, and yes I am jealous! lol - But we weren't even close to that happy place right after we had our guys. :)

So, all I am saying is - if you want the pictures and you can't go out and have someone do them for you - don't be afraid of your own camera! It's something worth trying, because, honestly, even if they don't turn out the way you hoped/imagined - I guarantee they will be some of your favorite pictures - most of all, because they will have gotten done. Getting them done by yourself is getting them done, even if they aren't as good as a pro. Trust me on this one! It's also a fun/funny memory for you in the future, remembering all you go through to get it done. A hindsight tip for laughs and kicks - videotape yourself doing this, it will be an incredibly funny memory to have.

But also, don't be afraid of getting something different than you imagined. Sometimes you hold on so tightly to that perfect shot that you almost miss something just as good.

Case in point:

I found this photographer's picture of a head shot of twins, one in a green crochet hat and the other in a blue one laying in opposite directions. I wish I could find it to show you, but I looked forever with no success, darn-it! Anyway, it was shot straight down, directly over them, both boys looking clear-eyed into the camera. White onesies, black background. Super cute and modern, no distractions. I looked at that picture every day, longingly, for a week until I got the idea of trying it for myself. I had my little point and shoot camera, and all the ingredients, so I thought - what the heck? The kids were just shy of 6 months old, needing their next monthly picture and I was feeling brave.

So, one bright morning, I dressed them all in whatever white onesies I could find, positioned them by the biggest window we have, on the floor - on my black t-shirt - all opposite heads with Alex in the middle and had the hats to the ready. I stood back and realized they all looked so cute just like that, so I took a few of them and was excited that I'd have bonus shots. :)

Well, what I didn't know at the time was that babies tend to get sensory overload very easily, and a textured hat on their usually bare head was something that sent them all over the edge immediately. I put them on fast, and before I had the 3rd one on, the 1st was screaming bloody murder. Ack! I tried to settle them, but to no avail... gave up after a few minutes of torturing them, lol, and decided to snap this picture anyway, for posterity:

Imagine my relief afterwards, when I realized that even though it wasn't what I imagined or wanted so badly, I still had something I would treasure forever - plus! - I had the shot I had just taken moments earlier. This turned out to be one of my favorite pictures ever of the kids (same shot as above, I just rotated it because I thought it had more effect):

Oh, sure - looking at it now with photographer goggles, I think about the fact that it isn't completely sharp, that their baby acne, scratches and eczema are prominent, that their heads may not be perfectly in line... but looking at it as their mommy... I don't care a fig about those things at all. I love it, period.

So, take it from a professional photographer, who also happens to be a perfectionist, if you can't do something with a pro, you are the next best thing - so, be adventurous! Use your little camera and your black t-shirt. :) Turn off your flash and hold your hand steady - lean against something if you have to. Start with your inspiration images, but go with the flow. And I promise you will love them - not just because something is always better than nothing (which it definitely is!), but because it's all about making and preserving a memory of your own kids that you will never regret having, blurry or not.

Brushing Your Teeth

I do brush my teeth. Well, at least I try to every day... though, I do admit sheepishly that there are some days it just falls off the agenda and it happens right before bed.... or the next morning... :) But anyway, ahem! - today's post is not a tutorial on hygiene, but highlights something I read a few weeks ago about brushing your teeth - more specifically what you think about when doing this mundane, everyday (supposedly, lol) task.

What do you think about? Oh, yes, there are many days I'm doing it as fast as possible to get the kids out the door and to school on time, so those days, I admit - I think about where my keys are, I wonder if I should have scraped the ice off the windows already, or if I remembered to pack a snack with their lunch.

But most days... most days I think about how to capture that light flare a little dreamier, or bokeh a little blurrier, what cute family I could persuade to have a session on the beach or which post processing actions I should splurge for. I wonder about the calibration of the color on my monitor and think about owning a sweet 28mm 1.4 lens someday. I resolve to make it a priority to capture a few more doggies soon, and I ponder the idea of going back to "redo" my wedding pictures with a boatload of textures.

Yes, you may have guessed it, but I am little obsessed with photography.

This article here is what confirmed it for me... I guess I am probably on the right path. It's a pretty great article, you should go read it now! And then come back. :) The message is simple, and what I have eluded to before. Whatever you end up thinking about when you are brushing your teeth (and not rushed!), is arguably, a passion. Ok, so sometimes I think about Brad Pitt, and yes - he could be considered a passion of sorts, but really - the "what you would rather be doing with your time" (ok, will you just get Brad Pitt out of your mind already!) is what I am trying to stay focused on. :) This picture I found on Pinterest is another way to say it:

And I can't think of a better mind-wondering time than when you are attending to the pearly whites.

The bulk of the article I linked to above is more to the opposite point. She was in research, and her mind wandered to photography every morning. It was then that she knew her path! Or at least knew that the path she was on wasn't quite right...

I used to work for a defense contractor. And they were an awesome company to work for. Every area had "teams" and we would work hard together to identify problems and opportunities for increased efficiency and tackle them in an organized manner. We would have weekly meetings, setting aside our productivity time to work on making our workplace better. And at each meeting, there would be a facilitator, helping the team to get the most out of the meeting by keeping to our agenda, diffusing fights and forcing us to examine root causes, both in relationships and work mishaps. I loved the facilitator role, and I volunteered to become one. So, I went through the pre-requisite week-long training with others who wanted the same, and we had a great week learning many new skills.

During the week, we were shown various videos on how to help your teams be the most efficient and honest, to help pull out their talents and ideas and facilitate working through their issues, and to help solve problems effectively, etc... and some were more abstract in their point. One day, one of those videos was about DeWitt Jones, a National Geographic photographer. He talked about everyday creativity, and how, in his line of work, he had to look at things a while before the image he wanted to get - what was interesting him in the frame - came across to him. The point he was trying to make to us, in the manufacturing business was that every problem has a creative solution, if you take the time to look hard enough. Yeah. I got that.

But I also got the bug.

That night, I could not. stop. thinking. about. photography.

I'm sure it was not what the instructors (or my company, for that matter!) were hoping for when they played the video - me obsessing for weeks over the fact that becoming a photographer someday was starting to burn up inside me - it sounded so exciting and satisfying and artistic - which then, working for a technical company, sounded insanely exotic. But I was already on a "career path", with an amazing company - so I ignored this feeling, over and over. I kept telling myself it was silly and impractical (there's my dream crusher again!, lol). I tried to ignore this passion the video was stirring inside me... but for months afterward, every down time I had was spent thinking about how amazing that would be and consequently trying to shove it out of my mind. Oy!

Hindsight is 20/20, eh?

Another relevant Pinterest gem:

When your idle mind is happy, it's pointing at the things you should be occupying your life with the most. I beg you to listen harder than I did! :)

Our Son Has CP

A sentence that has always been true, but something I have never really let myself believe... or accept.

This is a long one, so I thank you in advance for letting me vent my fears and frustrations. :)

Until this week, I think I was of the mindset that since our son's Cerebral Palsy was relatively mild, that someday he would just... simply grow out of it. That once he was old enough to make a conscious choice of movement, that he would be able to overcome the slight tightness he was experiencing. Silly, yes, but I never realized I had that thought until this week. Since the diagnosis, we have been presented with a myriad of options regarding treatment, some doctors actually advising us to do nothing. Let it go. It's so mild that yes, he will walk with a slightly abnormal gait, but he will be a high-functioning adult, so why put him through anything dramatic to make him better?

It's a hard thing, being a parent. It's hard to make those choices for him, by proxy, knowing it will affect his entire life - it can be quite paralyzing, actually. It's like I wish we could visit his adult self and ask him what he would want us to do, since it should be his choice, but he is too young to understand this now. Heart-wrenching is the best way to describe it. A huge weight. Make the non-choice to let it go or do little and let him possibly suffer compounded aging and asymmetrical grinding effects of his CP, condemning him to a wheelchair by the age of 50 by doing nothing? Or make the choice to do something aggressive now and, God forbid, experience a complication in surgery that renders his leg useless? To think of the worsts in each outcome, both pathways sound crazy.

When you hear so many people describe his condition as mild, you start to think maybe we should let it go... let him be a kid, without day-time braces and constant therapy, special shoes, extra sessions at school, nighttime struggles with those braces, hand-holding on slippery sidewalks, Botox surgeries that kill off his nerves so he can be stretched out more easily, electric shock therapy, casts...

Summer this year was the worst - keep his brace on and let him miss swimming, trampoline time, running next to his brother and sister, feeling the soft grass beneath his bare feet? I couldn't do it. He was overheating with that un-breathable thick plastic mold surrounding his foot and leg to the knee, getting tired so much more quickly and he kept missing out on things that we decided to keep it off for the most part.

So, since he is so mild - so mild he didn't actually qualify for summer PT and OT services for those 8 weeks according to the school district - we decided to let it go, and let him be a kid. He made it through, we felt a little guilty about not pushing the braces, but he loved every minute of his carefree summer.

Then, in September, we noticed he was walking more on his toe and less on the full bottom of his foot. We thought, with a little extra stretching, he would be fine - he would bounce back. It's just because he had some time off. But then he kept getting worse and worse, no matter how much stretching we did...and we started to get nervous. And when he started falling, his coordination faltering, his pre-school teachers and his PT and OT started to get nervous, I started to get a little panicky. Why isn't he getting better? Why is he getting worse? What are we doing wrong?

People ask us all the time if we have done the routine Internet research. I can tell you that I have exhausted many sleepless nights in the search for answers related to the best possible treatment. And what I have found through searches is just not suited for 1. A parent, as most pages out there are directed to medical professionals and hard for me to understand fully - for instance this wikipedia article, ouch. 2. Parents with kids who have mild CP - most pages aim to help parents of kids with severe disabilities and how they can care for them more easily. And honestly, the more articles I find, the more hopeless I feel about his original, maybe-it-will-go-away scenario. And as a mother, who just wants the best, most normal spring-board for her kids - it's a tearful realization.

I thought we had a semi-clear grasp on what CP really is, that (in his situation) basically the part of the brain that controls the contraction of the muscles in his right leg and his right hand was damaged at some point (due to lack of oxygen, most likely because he was a multiple birth preemie, though we will never know the actual why). A normal person with an undamaged brain can regulate the contraction and relaxation of these muscles, but his muscles are always contracted - think of your calf right now and make a muscle in it - hold it, and this is how his muscle is all the time. The nerves that go down to his right leg and his right hand are stimulated at the highest level and his brain cannot turn it on or off, offering no control of the muscle, just full on, all the time. You can also think of his situation as a light switch that can only just be on or off - as opposed to what a healthy person can do with a dimmer switch, any level of light control. This is called Spasticity.

We just found out recently there is another side of the coin, called Contracture. And this is what we are experiencing with Braden right now. This ugly phenomenon occurs when the bones grow faster than the tendons are pliable for and is basically what would happen to a too-small rubber band stretched around a pile of papers. No give at all. His PT basically described our summer as the Perfect Storm of conditions that lead to this contracture, and it is possible that it is permanent... and our fault. Since we did not stretch out the muscles, or keep his brace on over the summer, we did not keep them as flexible, pliable or elongated as they could have been. When his bones grew in a large growth spurt at the same time, we created the perfect conditions for an emerging contracture, something we didn't even know existed. Apparantly, we have to be on a constant vigil for this, especially now that he is on the cusp of a full-blown contracture that he would keep his entire life, non reversible. Game over.

Spasticity can be handled by a recurring injection of Botox - yep, the same stuff people use to stay looking young - in the areas his CP is most prominent. Braden has had this procedure twice. It basically does the same thing, kills off the nerves to the muscles that are overproducing the stimulus, so that they relax and can be stretched much more easily. Sometimes, you can actually make forward gains and get some flexibilty and strength back before the nerves regrow again and make those muscles tight once again. The other side of this picture is that the large muscles that are tight usually overpower the smaller muscles in his leg, and those small muscles could die out (atrophy) from under-use. Scary. Botox allows for a period of time for those muscles to be strengthened again while those larger muscles are "sleeping". :) But, it is temporary. A Dorsal Rhizotomy is a procedure that reproduces that Botox effect permanently. The neurosurgeon goes into the central sac of nerves at the base of his spine and clips the overproducing nerves at the root, permanently cutting off the over-stimulation. This is still something we hope to go through with him, but only when the contracture part of his CP has been addressed and is as controlled as can be. It won't work otherwise, and since it's such a big risk - a one-time only procedure, we need to be sure and ready. It can only happen in kids between the ages of 5 and 9.

Another procedure in helping with the contracture is a tendon release, a surgery where they make small slices in the contracted tendons to help lengthen and slightly release them. All scary stuff, especially when we consider these procedures for our "mild" kid.

The clinic we attended yesterday at Children's Hospital, called a Spasticity Clinic, is quite an awesome resource for those families who experience CP.  Many different disciplines are available to look him over and offer their observations, facts and opinions and they share them with each other at a round table discussion with the goal of coming to a consensus on the best possible treatment for him. They have a Physical Therapist, Occupational Therapist, Neurosurgeon and Physiatrist go over his history with you and watch Braden perform a wide range of tasks. They convene and return to sit down with you and discuss his performance and things we can do to improve his function as well as options for future treatments. If I think there is a fail for the medical community not having a better parents' resource for education on understanding CP, then this is the next-best thing, at least the best possible resource for advice on how to proceed, knowing you are in great hands. A great piece of the puzzle and a monumental resource for us struggling to make choices for our little guy. Yes, I wish there was a 411 for parents in layman's language about the pitfalls of the disorder and what we should be watching for, but this is what makes me have hope that we are heading in the right direction. I feel rightly guided even if we don't have all the information yet. The more you know, the more you know you don't know... and hopefully a pursuit of information can be the only result.

So, the outcome is hopeful for now... he will be casted, just as if he broke his foot. Stretched to his limit and a cast molded to his leg, and he will wear it for a few days in the hopes that it helps him stretch intensely and fully. Then a new and controversial brace that he will wear during the day will allow his smaller muscle groups to be strengthened in walking everywhere. At the same time it will stretch his larger groups and position his foot and leg correctly to minimize wear and tear. He'll wear a foot (not leg) brace on his left foot to keep his body and gait symmetrical. He'll wear night time braces in the hope that fully restful sleep will allow for a monster good unconscious stretch. :) We are also taking him to see my chiropractor to see if there are any bone shifts he can alleviate. And finally, building his endurance will be encouraged, enrolling him in a very noncompetitive soccer program, hippotherapy (horse therapy!), swimming or low-key tae-kwan-do. Anything that will get him involved, having fun, running around and building his endurance and confidence up, ultimately helping his coordination and balance too. :) I love to think of my little man in a martial arts uniform. Love! :)

A lot of information, and if you are still with me, I thank you. Many prayers were said for us yesterday, and I feel them all working today as our new plan settles in - more aggressive than we ever thought, but much more hopeful too.

Passion Is The Key

Are you what you wanted to be when you grew up?

My answer? No. Definitely not. And that's actually a good thing for me. :) What did I want to be? I wanted to be........ wait for it....... a paleontologist. Yep, someone that digs up dinosaur bones. When I was around 8 or 9, I would spend much of my day digging in the dirt looking for anything that resembled an ancient fossil. And I would put those fossils in a bucket and keep looking. I started finding rocks that looked pretty and I would bring them into the basement and break them open with a little hammer, my eyes protected by those 1950s style protective eye-wear with the flip-out mesh sides - you know the kind? - and save anything that looked more interesting on the inside than the outside. Pretty awesome stuff. We lived in a small, duplex kind of neighborhood, with lots of other kids to play with, but it was a suburb, with very little land to dig up dinosaur bones. And in a way, that was fantastic because my imagination got a pretty serious workout. :)

Then I got into high school. I still loved dinosaurs, but really - a girl, wanting to be a paleontologist, in an era when most bones were thought to be already dug up - getting into the field ... well, I felt... silly - like a little kid with a crazy, impractical dream - not to mention that I got a lot of looks when I talked about it - especially from my guidance counselors. So, I was left without a feasible dream, and in that absence, my parents suggested to me to aim high - why not? - and move forward, aim to be a pediatrician. I was good with kids, I was good at and liked some kinds of science, and I had a great memory - a good tester - so maybe that would be a great fit? It was something concrete to follow, so I went with it.

Nothing against my parents here - they were truly trying to help me aim high, what any good parents would do, but I wish I knew at the time that way more than that would be required to be a doctor. Much, much more.

For instance - passion! Passion is probably the biggest piece of the puzzle I was lacking. Especially since I am naturally lazy, relying on my good memory to get me through high school, I never really tried at anything very hard. And when you are not passionate about something, I guarantee you will not work your hardest at it - you will certainly not love it. And to be a pediatrician, you'd have to work pretty darn hard. No passion + naturally lazy = a lethal combination for love of any career.

Inevitably, going to a good local college, enrolled in the pre-med program, I totally and completely blew it. I excelled in my English and Psychology courses because, looking back - they were interesting to me - they engaged me. I didn't know that at the time, but the Chemistry and Math courses I did not do well in were because they required serious passion and hard work... they were so very hard for me. I just couldn't care less that when you mixed Sodium and Chloride that you got... table salt. Woo-hooo! Sorry to all the Chem Nuts out there, no offense, lol. It was anti-climactic for me, and I found myself drifting away from class so far that I stopped attending and ultimately flunked out.

Which taught me a great and very expensive lesson about responsibility and ownership, but hey - it did nothing to turn on the light bulb I needed to move forward. I moved sideways for a few years, expensively dabbling in courses here and there to try to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up... Electronics (since I was in a job assembling circuit boards and soldering), engineering (same job), medical transcription (working for a podiatrist at an early age), Business (seemed a great back-up at the time)... but never anything in the artistic field. Why did I not think of this earlier?

It's funny looking back at high school, I remember jealously looking at all the kids who were enrolled in the photography elective classes, the cooking classes at BOCES, the art classes. They were like an untouchable caste of kids that I would never belong to - their side of school seemed so adventurous and exciting, but it was not part of the Regents program, so I couldn't even try it (my mindset) - I had no room in my schedule. They looked like they were having fun, but I thought I was where I was supposed to be. I should have realized back then that it was passion teasing me - trying to let me know that I did belong in an artistic career, I just needed help to find out what I was good at, what I would love, what was actually out there.

Plus, I adored my English classes, but never once did I consider a career as a writer - even in college when I did well and loved every minute of the challenges. Why? Well, I think it's partly because the guidance counselors in school do not do a very good job of identifying, encouraging and matching passion with a possible career choice. They like their standard one-size-fits-all careers - nurse, doctor, fireman, librarian - and do not go beyond suggesting more specific real-world options to struggling kids. But also because I had this mindset that there was a separation between technical and artistic personalities that you could not cross unless you had the talent to do so. The talent that must have been there from birth and would have manifested itself by the completion of high school, honed into a usable career. What a silly girl I was!

My whole point to this long-winded essay is that Passion should be the red flag of an impending epiphany. When you find that passion, you may find out what it is that you were destined to be "when you grow up". You will certainly find out what could be a fulfilling hobby no matter what. I say "when you grow up" ironically as I found this whole photography thing out at the age of 31, not in high school - as much as I would have like to find out then, but it required a more mature shift in perception for me, that anything is available to you - not just what an obvious talent prescribes. Sometime you have to grow into that talent, sometimes you have to learn the technicals and polish your technique before your talent starts to shine through. But passion is where it all starts, the energy that drives you down the road - the something that says to you, "Hey! Wake Up! This is something you could be great at!".

I'll have more on this in another post, addressing passion vs personality and what may make a great hobby may not make a great career, but to save this one from getting monumentally long, suffice it to say that Passion is the key to opening up what is great within you. When you find it, it's worth expending the energy on the journey to follow it, to see if there is something amazing waiting for you on the road to self-discovery. No matter what, you will figure out one more piece of the puzzle of what moves you - and that can never be trivial information! :)

This gives me goosebumps in how much passion it stirs in me. :) My lovely little niece Ella and my experiments in increasing the f/stop with light flare. Now that's an example of an experiment I love to do! You Chem Nuts can keep your bunsen burners and petri dishes, lol. :)