Thursday, January 12, 2012

Step Over Uncomfortable

I'm uncomfortable today. I feel... frumpy. Do you ever have days where you feel like you just don't belong in this world and that nothing you say is relevant?

As a photographer just starting out, there are days you think you have the right stuff, you may be a diamond in the rough, and that someday you will just knock things out of the park on a daily basis. Other days, you can take one look at a gorgeous session from someone you considered slightly above your level and they just knocked it out of the park... today. Whoa.

And then the next day you see another photographer whose personal life is just so social, hanging out at nightclubs, drinking Crystal and throwing money at everyone in the first of many nightclubs they will hit that night - while you sit at your computer, in your old farmhouse, in your pjs with 3 kids clamoring for attention and your teeth not brushed, it just hits you that you feel... old and frumpy and broke.

Do you ever have some days you just feel... not good enough?

Not that hanging out in a nightclub is my style or even my desire, but seeing that much flashy style and money thrown around so casually, and so much celebration in one night - it kinda makes you jealous that you can't even afford a regular Starbucks habit... heck, even a weekly Starbucks habit. :) And really, I am nowhere near that social - most of me likes being a hermit with occasional parties. But some tiny part of me that feels like I may have missed out on something, is intimidated by those pictures!

And the other split side of this post, the talent side - seeing so much perfection come out of one wedding shoot when every single shoot I do, I feel like I have something major screw up, something I am just not paying enough attention to! It's so hard to see that gorgeousness and not drop it all, walk away, hanging my head in defeat - and think that I will never be that good, especially today.

I apologize for the start of this post, complaining and grumbling is not usually my style, but today - I need to write it out, about focusing on becoming ok with being uncomfortable and recognizing that it is a growing exercise. Like the terror post of a few days ago, being uncomfortable can be a similar motivator, but it has the dangerous side effect of claiming more victims than terror. Terror is brief, intense and sharpening. Think of it as a lightening bolt that acts quickly and can leave you recharged! Being uncomfortable with yourself is slow and creeping, almost like a snare of vines creeping over you - and if you let it grow, before you realize what's happening, it is mortally draining and defeating.

I do think that it takes way more perseverance to step over being uncomfortable and keep trudging forward, keeping that confidence in yourself, not that you will be great someday, but that you are good today - that the product you are creating is something special and that the perfection will never ever come, only better, more refined and you, more confident. Though sometimes, I wish Starbucks sold shots of confidence to add into their chai lattes... :)

So, I am going to take a shower, brush my teeth, put on some make-up and make the kids lunch... and cherish the fact that my life is where I belong, what I chose and what I do truly desire. Keep moving forward, step over it... and the confidence will move with you, still there like it had been all along, hiding behind your fear.

Keep walking... and remember to step over and high!


Erin Oveis Brant said...

You and I need to talk. And not just in blog comments. Let's make that happen, okay?

Laura said...

Go splurge on something ridiculous! ;)

MJ said...

You inspire me - you are so amazing. I love you!

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